Unwanted Valentines
by Bloodgalore
Summary: Severus Snape despises Valentines, he loathes them. Suicide notes, marriage proposals, even evil letters of doom? All are fine. As long as he can claim he has never received a valentine,life is bliss. Featuring Tom Riddle and Dark not-Harry after the war!
1. The Note

Ok, hello folks! Please read and review!

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_Bliss_

_ This is bliss,_

_ This is not._

_ Laughing uncontrollably,_

_ I speak with friends about the mistaken frog._

_ I cry uncontrollably,_

_ As I go to Diagon Alley for the right dress to wear on a first date._

_ A inside joke gets me dying inside,_

_ Time for a school project in Transfiguration._

_ I write a magical story,_

_ And go discover some new spells._

_ Toying with some truly terrifying phrases,_

_ I try it out._

_ Gleefully, I show it to all my friends,_

_ Who push it away._

_ We talk about some emotional and crazy themes,_

_ Becoming cold, she refuses to speak._

_ Running, someone understands,_

_ That same someone avoids me._

_ Screaming in joy and people scream with me,_

_ I walk to Potions._

_ Brewing the perfect potion,_

_ The teacher sneers and calls a name._

_ I feel like I need this to change._

_ I think._

_ I think,_

_ I decide._

_ I decide,_

_ I thrill._

_ I thrill,_

_ Time passes._

_ It is time,_

_ I raise my blade._

_ Pressing it to my heart,_

_ Blood spills._

_ Pain spreads,_

_ While the questions asked are answered._

_ I finish._

_ I am done._

_ Looking in the mirror,_

_ I laugh._

_Bliss_

_ This is bliss,_

_ This is not._

Snape frowned. He had thought his performance at breakfast would have been enough to scare the valentines away, and usually did, but it seemed this time the act failed.

He flipped the ripped half sheet of paper over and read the back:

_Bliss is just seeing your face everyday._

_I'm sure you can guess what's not._

_Not-so-happy Valentines Day. _

It did not seem like a regular valentine. A school-girl crush was what he hoped it was. He sure didn't want it to be a school-guy crush or a full, blown-out swooning.

Also, driving someone to contemplating suicide was not his idea of fun. His conscience would force him to find who it was from and then try to help the person. Of course, he could always drop it onto the old and loony Dumbledore who loved such things. Always telling Snape how he should go give someone a hug!

Snape hated getting hugs and never gave a hug before in his life. Except that one time when he tripped and fell with his arms open, but that was an accident!

An accident.

* * *

Later in the day, Severus witnessed a young girl jump off Astronomy Tower. The young girl/not-so-young girl's guts splattered all over the ground. She was unidentifiable afterward. Of course, beloved Snape would be the one to clean it up.

Dumbledore was obviously devastated and was muttering to himself during dinner, "Oh, Severus! How could I have not known? I'm sure all she needed was a bit love! Maybe, she would have fared better under those potions you've invented."

Severus Snape asked who it was. The answer shocked him.

Hermione.

It seemed like the note was not a love letter after all, but more of a plea of rememberance or last note.

Hmmm. Who would have thought?

Pitiable Ron Weasley was out of his wits. He was wailing all about how he loved the girl and how he wished he could have told her.

The only thing that surprised Snape was that Hermione Granger loved Potions. If only he had know. There are few people with Potion Master potential nowadays.

What a pity…

And poor little Weasley. Seems like Lavender Brown was perfect for him. Hee!

Potter just seems a bit confused. Might he fancy his best mate? Snape had noticed Potter staring at the Weasley out of the corner of his eye and knew Potter fantasized about him. But he does seem even more determined.

Idiots…

When will they ever learn?


	2. 15 Years Later and a Marriage Proposal

Hi people! I'm just posting this because I'm bored

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Personality never swine,_

_Beauty like the taste of wine,_

_Skin so magically fine._

_You are divine,_

_Be my valentine._

Snape was furious. Who the heck would send him a valentine like this?

He recalled one suicide not sent 15 years ago. That was way more his thing. In fact, if Dumbledore finds out, he's going to go on a hugging spree. Erg…

Now, who sends junk like this? It was probably a mistake, supposed to be sent to the new charms teacher. Severus missed Flitwick, not that he would tell anyone. The new charms teacher was a floopsy. She couldn't tell the difference from a _wingardium leviosa_ and a buffalo.

_Personality never swine,_

Oh, what did he do in class all day? This is probably some kind of joke. Or he/she likes (shudder) Snape's batty (shudder) personality.

_Beauty like the taste of mine._

Was Severus pretty now? Why did he let Albus get him to take a shower? Maybe he still had some of that disfiguring potion left.

_Skin so magically fine._

Who are you talking about? Severus had spent hours applying the wartorific potion. Ahh… In his opinion, it was the best potion ever invented.

Wait! Was he interpreting a VALENTINE???

Oh, gosh! He must be going insane! Already? Snape hoped to be normal for at least three more years. Doofy Dumbledore must have changed him for the worst. Soon, He'll even pity the boy-who-did-not-live! Though, it is sad that he died from cheese poisoning.

Eeep! Run for your lives.

Sigh…

Now, Snape was talking to himself.

That's right; Snape will kill the old fool! On that note, he had a strange dream of killing him with an unforgivable (Why do they call it an unforgivable, if the ministry forgives you for it???) on the Astronomy Tower. Moreover, despicable Potter was there under his invisibility cloak.

Now, Severus Snape decided to open the card up. He slowly, holding it arms length away, flipped the first page over. A loud sound shocked him. The card was playing some sappy love song. He read the inside.

_May you have a happy new year,_

_Or rather a happy rest of the year._

_Popping the question,_

_Will you marry me?_

_Lily Evans._

Snape was shocked again. He loved Lily, but he wasn't stupid enough to realize that she was dead. However, he fell to his knees and cried, "I love you Lily! I would do anything for you."

Then the card's music changed, "I knew it! You are capable of love. Now marry me or else!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ummm, who are you," Snape appeared flustered.

The card spoke, "My name is Card, but the person who sent me is the greenhouse lady. I don't know! Ahhh! Don't kill me."

"Why would I kill you?"

"Because you're late for class."

Severus raised his fist and was just about to smash Card, when the best idea ever occurred to him.

"Yes I'll take the day off," he raised his voice, "Hey, Card! I won't kill you if you don't tell anyone what happened today. Tell that greenhouse person that I will marry her as long as she agrees to an unbreakable vow that she won't tell anyone. Also, run to Albus and tell him I'm enjoying love today and wish to sleep in. Tell him that if he doesn't disturb me, I'll marry some random person. Yeah…"

The card nodded, if cards could, and flew out of his quarters.

At lunch that day, you could hear the Headmaster whistling some tunes. He also muttered to himself.

If you leaned in real close, you could almost hear this.

"Oh m'boy! M'boy! He's finally grown up! Marring some random lady! Love will prosper!"

Of course, if you entered the Headmaster's office you would hear this.

"He suspects. I must act the fool. I know that Severus is loyal to me, but the others are not. I must call the vampires. Eventually, I will once again win. Thank you loyal Death Eater. Thank you. You have sent your message and I replied. Tomorrow the conquering will begin!" The Dark Lord started to laugh, joyful and hard.

He was in the light leader's body. You can't laugh evilly in an old codger's body. Someday, he would rebuild the vocal cords, using dark magic of course, and would laugh continually. It was a well-known fact with all the death eaters that his only wish was to break the world record for the longest evil laugh. Before they 'killed' him, he had nearly reached it. Seven days in a row would be the record breaker. He had only reached 6 and 14 hours.

Off in Neverland, the boy-who-was-now-called-the-boy-that-did-not-live woke up. He got on his old broom, flew past the North Star, continued east to Hogwarts. He reached it quickly. Strangely, the only reason he went was to drop off a pale pink page of writing off on the desk of Snape's.

The-boy-who-lived had died.

Therefore, a body had woken up who would be known as High Lord from this point on. He was Master of the Dark and Leader of the Light. That was the legendary High Lord's power. He controlled all. The dark liked to grovel at the feet of someone higher. The light loved to 'feel' they had control. Which they never did.

The High Lord's name was missing. He tried to remember, but it was impossible. He bared no name and had no history. He was born from the Rock (just like the Monkey Kind) and would be a rock when he died.

Except he was immoral. And he was immortal. And, yes, he was immoral. That was a requirement of the position of High Lord. It's was also where the term 'Fucking Werewolf Lord' came from.

Severus continued to sleep. He had drunk firewhisky all day after searching hard in his vault for the perfect ring. He found none.

It was now the greenhouse lady's job to find the ring for her fiancé. Fiancée. Or whatever you called it.

Snape decided to be the lady in the wedding. The Lady could be the man.

And Snape had always wanted to be called gay. The only problem was that he wasn't gay. He decided that being a girl equaled to the same thing. He hated being called a vampire; he wasn't one! No, he was gay. End of story.

Of course, you mustn't mistake me; he was and is not gay. He just will be gay as in happy. Yes, oh-so-very-much-of-the-wondrous-happiness!

Snape was happy, so therefore he would be gay. Being gay was normal, just as gaily jumping around drunk and kissing the wall was normal for a recently engaged man. It didn't matter one piece that he had no idea who the greenhouse lady was. All he knew was the greenhouse lady was a famous lady who owned 53 greenhouses in Britain and 107 in Austria. And that she was called Lady Greenhouse by all her friends.

Severus thought that someone with a last name of Greenhouse might like to be called Greenbeans instead. So that would be his name for her. Lady Sweetbeans. Or Sweetpeas. Or Snowpeas. Or Greenbeans. Or Broccoli. Or BlackBeanFarts. Ha ha. He preferred Lady Greenbeans. But he would love to change his last name to Snowpeas. Severus Snowpeas. Hee! Gay!

Severus had gaily and drunkly collapsed on his bed.

Snape was also gay because he was still able to say truthfully that he had never received a valentine before. He was scary enough to scare away the scary young folks that would like to scare him with a scary valentine. He loved to receive suicide notes and wedding requests. Snape now thought that suicide notes were amusing to read and wedding requests gave him days off.

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In the snow, a pale and tall woman shouted loudly, "Come on! It's not that hard."

Her servants had failed once more. The servant in question had supposedly watered her plants, but they were all gasping in thirst.

Her friend nudged her, 'Oh, they're only servants. Calm down."

"I can't calm down! He's going to die! He's killing my plants! I knew I never should have left them in his care."

"Well, you can't be everywhere at once."

"Oh, Neville! You're here! How was the vacation?" she was pleased to see him.

"Fine, thanks," Neville smiled, "Don't you worry 'mazing Greenhouse Lady. I've got it."

He walked over to the plants. They stretched upwards to lightly touch his hand. He had some strong earth magic. He let the plants drink from his bucket as he stroked their feelers. Soon, they looked good again.

Lady Greenhouse let out a sigh, "Once again, you save them."

Suddenly, Card rushed in. It was breathing hard, "Lady! He said yes! Yes! You're getting married! And he's the girl so you get the suit and him the dress. Just like you wanted."

"Thank you, Card. May I ask who?"

"I don't know. I just went around all the werewolves and none of them looked stupid so I went to the potion masters. There was this one. He looked handsome-ish and single. I just dove into his mind and picked out a name Lily Evans. Lily Evans is who he likes."

"Oh, you mean ol' Severus Snape! Dear Sevie! Dear ol' Severus Snow'n Snape! Oh, I still remember him! He was always the sweet little boy."

"Is he too young?"

"No, it's just an expression. I had a crush on him once, ahh the mortification. In fact, he's about two-and-a-half years older. You did good," she paused, "However, I am surprised that he said yes. I remember him as more of a hate-love type person. So sweet…"

Her friend squealed.

"Cissy. What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, I thought someone had to squeal. Like – like in the movies! So what does the 'who he is' mean?"

"Oh, I thought I needed to be married so I sent young Card, here, off to find me the nicest man around. Little did I know, he would find me such a wonderful catch. Thank you, Card."

"You mean like a blind marriage."

"Now, it's more of a see who likes me thing."

"The marriage equivalent to a blind date."

"No –"

"Yes or no?"

"Oh, fine."

Neville laughed, "You've got to be kidding. So I'll take care of the greenhouses, you just worry about that wedding."

"Oh, thank you."

"No, prob."

The Greenhouse Lady imagined herself in snow-white dress with delicate magically enlarged snowflakes sewed on.

* * *

He also did like having class so he could torture first years.

The truth is that he hated teaching DADA and never wanted to. It was just a stupid rumor as all rumors are.

Snape loved teaching the seventh years. He got to weed out the bad ones and by sixth year, they know what they're doing.

So Snape never received an unwanted valentine in his life. Why? Because he had never gotten one! The only wanted valentine would probably be one from Lily Evans. But of course, she died.

It's not like Severus Snowpeas wanted to bring her back to life or anything. Severus had nightmares that she would hate him for not taking care of Harry Potter.

Severus knew that it was quite possible that some day he would receive one of the dreaded valentines. Maybe someone had even delivered one while he was whiskey-fied. He drank his hangover potion and started to smile. Ahh, no more headaches.

He walked over to his desk.

And behold! There was a valentine. Pink, pale, and hearty.

Shudder.

Spoke to soon.

Look on the bright side, it might not be a valentine! It could be a thank you note. Or maybe even another suicide note. Or an invitation to a funeral. Or a Dark Lord is alive again and would like to eat him. Or something like that.


	3. Wulpyre

Ok, so I'm updating even though no one's reviewing! That's okay since this is insane stuff!

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Or not.

Severus noted three things about the pink paper.

First, it was crumpled and wet.

Second, it wasn't a love letter.

And third, it was covered in blood.

He unfolded the page and began to read:

_You know my name._

_You have played the game._

_You are of both sides._

_It is time for you to choose_

_Another._

_You will not lose,_

_But gain._

_The one who is insane,_

_Shall also join._

_So go to him,_

_Man-of-two-faces,_

_Show him the dim._

_Go to your past leader,_

_Or lord._

_He is also the weeder._

_Go to the false phoenix,_

_Or else I will maim._

He refolded the page. Cursive letters scribbled across.

_Learn and you will teach_

_About the true darkness._

Severus sighed in relief. He had not received the dreaded valentine. It was merely a message.

It seemed to say he needed to go see his lord. The Dark Lord, of course. There was only one problem: The Dark Lord was dead.

It also said something about going to the false phoenix. Could it be that Dumbledore had died and the Dark Lord was taking his place? Yes it could be. That was what this note said. Snape, Professor Snape decided to go.

He dressed himself quickly and waved the alcohol smell away. Grabbing the letter, he quickly yet formally walked out of the door, stuffing the message in his pocket.

Dumbledore's office was on the 3rd floor now. It was in the DADA quarters. They had a staircase that led downwards into the dungeons instead of upwards into a tower. Seems like the Dark Lord still prefers dungeons over tall towers. Towers did make it easier to lord over people, but the dungeons invoked fear and obedience.

His cloak billowed. Students raced from his outwardly wrath. Inside, he was surprisingly calm and calculating for a person who had recently been engaged with a pretend valentine but really a warning.

He reached the headmaster's office and pounded on the door.

No on answered.

He barged in and stopped with shock. There behind the desk was Dumbledore. Albus concernedly smiled up to him, "Lemon Drop? No? Well, what's the matter, m'boy?"

Severus' mouth hung open. He truly doubted the Dark Lord could be so convincing.

He pulled out his wand and dimmed the lights.

Albus/Dark Lord smiled greatly.

"Ah, got the note haven't you," it was not a question.

Severus Snow'n Snape put back his wand.

"Always loyal, weren't you," Tom Riddle's sneer looked strange on kind foolish Albus' face, "but no longer. Yessss, it iss time we to join the true darkness. I have longed for this chance. Let us be true dark ones. The only requirement is for you to be one of them. I am already. You must be bitten. I prefer vampires to mongrel werewolves. Go out and find a willing vampire. Tell him by the law of the High Lord, Master of the Dark, Leader of the Light, you are to be turned. You are to be a blood-thirsty vampire. It iss time. Sseverusssss. It is time!"

Severus kneeled, "Yes, m'lord."

"No, I am your lord no longer. We will become equals. You will come here and teach the lore and I will help the High Lord do his deeds. It is just as important. I want to be a part of thisss. Please do not fail me."

Snape got up and nodded. He understood. He was to be the teacher of the true dark, the teacher of the pain, the teacher of the meanings.

This was the way it was meant to be.

Neville was the Lady Greenhouses' apprentice. He would inherit all of her large greenhouses when he passed her impossible test.

He doubted Lady Greenhouses would ever die. She had already lived 509 years and was still in her prime. When asked why she was giving up her greenhouses, she replied, "I have been in the greenhouse industry for too long. I want to try something new."

She refused to comment on changing her name.

Severus Snape was bitten by a vampire the next day. Lady Greenhouse yelled at him for becoming even more pale than before.

"I don't like pale stupid heads! I prefer cozy werewolves much more! Now, go get yourself bitten! Or else I won't marry you!"

"Yes, m'lady."

The day after that he was bitten by a werewolf. All three parties were satisfied.

Anyway, over the past year, Severus had almost achieved his goal of weaning himself from his love of Thomas the Train movies. There was only 1 thing that could make him laugh and that was hearing Thomas exclaim, "Bust my Buffers!" or "Boiling Bubblers!"

The day after the day after the day after he was bitten by the werewolf, which was the day after he was bit by a vampire or in other words 3 days after if he counted right, he quit watching Thomas.

The whole of Hogwarts had a party for him.

He was more than pleased so he thought up a pretty poem he would read the next day. It went something like this:

_Come out and play!_

_Here are the poems and rhymes of Fae!_

_A whoosh of sound,_

_Cuts across the night sky._

_The stars newly found,_

_As the breeze goes by._

_I gaze at the full moon._

_My breath catches,_

_I know._

_My hate of werewolves is now hate of self._

_It is soon_

_Under the moonbeams,_

_It is no longer dreams._

_And now Fae will leave,_

_Say goodbye to glee…_

_And welcome back me!_

And that was it. Numerous students fainted and had to be sent straight to the psychiatric ward in St. Mungo's. Madame Pomfrey was furious. Truly. She turned bright red and suspended him in a timeless torture for four whole days. The reason was that 75% of Hogwarts had to go to the Infirmary and school was completely suspended for a fortnight.

Severus was pleased. The dark arts worked. Valentines were thwarted. He was still considered certifiably insane. And he was no longer suffered from hangovers. It seemed that werewolves were immune to alcohol poisoning and all drug side effects. Dumbledore-fakey-Albusy-Dumbly-dory seemed to think that being immune to hangovers was the best thing ever. So even though he claimed to hate mongrel werewolves, the next day you could see him howling at the moon. It was funny.

And thus the vampire/werewolf mix dubbed wulpire was born.

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A/N: **And my beta thought I was crazy when he beta'd this a year ago. Anyway, I'm not crazy. It's Snape that is. Read and review. Or read and be confused! Ha ha ha!**  
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	4. Insanity and a Prophecy

A year had passed now. Severus Snape was now retired and married to a woman no longer nicknamed Lady Greenhouse. Her apprentice, Neville, had inherited the estates. Her name was now Lady Snowpeas.

Snape was frustrated. He had begged Lady Snowpeas not to send him a valentine, but she said she would anyway. There was only one way left.

Severus sighed. He waved his wand and blocked all possible entrances. He drank the Draught of Sleeraps and fell into a coma.

He had decided that if a valentine did come in, he would get them the day after Valentine's Day and therefore they wouldn't be valentines anymore. So the only way Snowpeas wouldn't barge in and force him to receive valentines was if he couldn't wake.

He locked himself in and everything else out.

The morning after Valentine's Day was peaceful. At the end of the day, he opened the door. Lady Snowpeas was furious. She screamed, "I've been trying to get your attention for days! My beautiful cat made a prophecy about you!"

Snape yawned. Big mistake.

Snowpeas went right into his face and grabbed his wrists, "And idiot you, there was no valentines in your mail. The only thing was this poem and my cat's prophecy!"

Snape grabbed the two sheets of paper, kissed her on the cheek, and returned to his bed. He lit the lamps and began to read.

The first page was a poem by Ginny Weasley.

_Ahhh, glad you are gone._

_I have took your place._

_It is a new dawn._

_Do not show your face_

_Here or else_

_It's not like you to fawn._

_To you, I was only a pawn._

_Therefore, you have killed the swan._

_That's right._

_Hermione Granger loved you,_

_She was a therian creature_

_And yet you just marry off_

_It may be years ago,_

_But we are still blue._

_Remember,_

_Don't be thick._

_We know your fear_

_Of Valentines._

_We know what makes you tick._

_Someday, I'll be minister._

_For now I'll just be sinister._

_So watch out!_

_I am now Potion Master_

_At the school._

_You are no longer._

_You are just a fool._

_Did you find it fun?_

_To torture until they cry and die?_

_You will no longer._

_I hear you wish to come back._

_Of course, only if there is a lack_

_And you'll probably be a janitor,_

_Carrying a sack._

_16 years now,_

_Since my brother has become insane._

_It will never leave him, the pain._

_Every effort has been left in vain._

_Though Ron loved her too,_

_He hates that you would screw_

_With a girl_

_Who loved you so._

_Ginny Weasley _

_Is coming_

_For yah_

_Soon_

_BEWARE!_

Snape shuddered. The little girl had grown to be quite the evil doer. She scared him is he would admit it. She hexed anyone who dared to even flirt with her. She passed her potion mastery in 6th year.

He read the prophecy next.

_One day a teacher will come_

_This teacher will teach the truth_

_He will someday meet a dumb_

_The dumb will be a sleuth_

_What will stop the worst is gum_

_Surprise, surprise, the savior-of-past is back_

He sighed again. There was no way he would even try to figure out what it meant. The last time he did that there was bad consequences. Still, gum and dumb? What the heck?

Even the author of a bloody story who would make up such things has no idea what she is doing. How could Snape know? He decided to send out a letter of hope:

_What the heck does this prophecy mean?_

_I ask you Gods of the skies!_

_Tell me!_

And that includes you reader!

_Yes, I'm begging for reviews!_

_I know the end._

_Yes, I, Severus Snape, know the end,_

_Just not what this bloody thing means!_

Of course, he knew no one would ever read it or respond. So, he tore it up. Just because he could somehow realize that the upper beings had no idea what to do, didn't mean some random God-of-the-fucking-sky would come and save him.

"Yes, salvation!" he moaned, lifting his arms to the sky in a welcoming welcome.

No one responded.

He _was_ called an crazy old bat for a reason.

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A/N: **And more fun!**  
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